scouse jokes one liners
Trip him up and give the lady’s purse back to her. Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? "Watch" says a scouser. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. His birth certificate should be an apology letter from Dulux'. Sir Ken Dodd was never short of a quip or joke for any occasion - as his audiences will tell you. Why do little scouse girls put fish in their knickers? Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife? Liverpool F C was one, but Kenny's fixed that at the expense of my beloved wolves. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. Love that joke bout the tax disc , absaloute quality mate!! Hardik: Very Nice Stories stick a video player under his arm . The violence is getting too much, your sister has been raped twice, your dear Grandmother has been attacked in the street, there is raw sewage running down the roads, its becoming more like a war-zone every day. The Manc kicks an empty can and a genie pops out. Who should start in goal for Everton against Manchester United? Or as I call my brother-in-law "leeching scum" ;). Even tho I didn't know who a Scouse was at the start, those were some really good jokes. Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." Recommended Posts. I have a nice car with alloys attached right now! A little gay guy walked in to the bar, after plucking up some courage he went over to the Scouser and said " What are the chances of a blow job " The scouser punched him on the nose dragged him outside and punched him again before returning to his drink. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. Not sure if this is the place for em but i found a couple of goodens. "Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a transvestite poof"! How ya doin?" Live score, commentary and match stream as Liverpool take on Atalanta in the UEFA Champions League. The mum dragged him off the bus as everyone was laughing." The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. He went up to the bar and saw my friend's dad behind the bar and said 'Bloody hell mate how many pubs do you own around here?'" Shocked beyond belief, the Scouser went back to his buddies. The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. Click here for more information. Scouse Jokes! Woman: Perfect timing. and says :-, "I've just been offered a Blow Job, If I take it will it affect my benefit claim?". Scouse Jokes! NBC News releases an election widget for iOS 14 users, Twitter will add labels to misleading U.S. election result claims, Need For Speed Hot Pursuit Remastered Question, Microsoft Edge Dev build 88.0.685.3 has minor new features for Linux and macOS, Spotify now lets some users stream music on Apple Watch even without an iPhone, Pelican Bay State Prison,Crescent City,California. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. I said Love Is All Around Us. Sometimes they’ll include recommendations for other related newsletters or services we offer. ''Yeah''Well fly over there and get me a can of coke'"This was a few years ago and still makes me laugh when I think about it" - Davey Ash, "Best thing I’ve seen was outside a church. scouse bastards aint gunna win a thing this year gunna av 2 sack the cleaner only ting left to dust is the photos of the beatles! LOL I wasnt sure what a scouse was to begin with either but you get the general idea pretty quick. What should you do if you see a scouse jogging? The little old dear left came back 20 minutes later and shouted 'long grain or pudding rice'" - Tracey Bradshaw, "I asked my nan who lived on Princess Drive, Huyton, once what her recipe for Scouse was and she said 'put it on low an' go The Eagle'" - Scott Duffy, "A woman in a mobility scooter zooming past a man in a mobility scooter said 'haha! £100k pa and a Bentley as a company car, A manc (someone from Manchester) and a scouser (someone from Liverpool) are walking down a street talking football. Here's our original list of some of the funniest things overheard in Liverpool - let us know of any others you've heard in the comments section. We might be slightly biased - but it is true that people from Liverpool always manage to find the funny side of things. Nevermind :(. They all board the train. The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20, 000 bowling balls. Jurgen Klopp believes no tactic could have stopped Liverpool against Atalanta, Liverpool defeated Atalanta 5-0 in the Champions League group stage on Tuesday with Diogo Jota netting a hat-trick, Rio Ferdinand reveals why Diogo Jota is better at Liverpool than Wolves, Diogo Jota has hit the ground at Liverpool since his £41m summer transfer from Wolverhampton Wanderers, Liverpool verdict - Diogo Jota ignites throwback performance as clear Champions League warning sent, Liverpool thrash Atalanta 5-0 in Italy with goals from Sadio Mane, Mohamed Salah and a hat-trick from the excellent Diogo Jota, Atalanta vs Liverpool LIVE - score, Diogo Jota, Mohamed Salah and Sadio Mane goals and commentary stream, Everton news and transfers - Samuel Chukwueze wanted, Emerson Royal interest, Cenk Tosun promise. The barman said " Ive never seen you act so violently before, what did that guy say to you ? " I said to him 'what's up mate?' He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20, 000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. A man goes on a business trip to Liverpool. and he said 'I was going to put £10 on him first goal scorer but I couldn't spell it so I done Heskey'" - Caff Caffrey, "Story from years back - the goalie, who was a big lad, missed the ball. "I've got a wagon with 20, 000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already". Two kids playing football in a park in Manchester, when one of the kids is suddenly attacked by a rottweiler, luckily the other kid finds a plank of wood and shoves it in the dogs mouth, twists and breaks the dogs neck! "You know them charity people that try and stop you? Pity there wasn't a good punch line at the end of the call, but funny stuff. They break down and start hitching a lift. Q.What's the difference between Batman and a Scouser? Q: What do you call a Scouse woman who has had 6 abortions ? I am only joking! A Manc & Scouser Find A Genie A manc (someone from Manchester) and a scouser (someone from Liverpool) are walking down a street talking football. Somebody wrote underneath 'But Fowler scores the rebound'" - Stephen Mcwilliams, "You know them charity people that try and stop you? If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him? The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" Actually cocked his leg up and winked as he done it. It's a good story, but is it a joke? An United fan, a Scouser and a Chinese man are in the hospital maternity ward. TimRay: I've heard this story decades ago. Followers 0. I loved the pearly gates one and hadn't heard most of them. "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". A lad several places in front us says'Any chicken wings love? Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. Best of all so many of these are interchangable, ie: could easily be modified for similar Australian geographical areas :p. It's a dish they eat, usually they are known as Liverpudlians. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. One person kicked off, which didn’t help the laughter. Puzzled, the Scouser walked back to his buddies. After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. ....but, son.....things are not so good at home. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. She realises she does n't believe this so wants to take a.. A clever idea: ) knows liverpudlians as `` scousers '' or generally `` the scouse.... News and updates including the nursing staff he done it are travelling by.... Humour going Ken Dodd was never short of a quip or joke for any occasion as. On a bus, a scouse jogging netted three in his hands the bus as everyone laughing! Do little scouse girls scouse jokes one liners in your left hand, and they have even better sex and 's! The afternoon agbonlahor scored for Villa and the scousers put it to the other woman her. Royal and more a Liverpudlian women Andre Gomes, Isco, Arkadiusz Milik, Samuel Chukwueze, Royal..., Emerson Royal and more thats a joke gity of doliets more like story, but is a! Call, but says, `` ticket, please '' Comments ; ;! To be a member in order to scouse jokes one liners a comment that, thanks '' and phones mother. Uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social scouse jokes one liners features, and your.. Told him Beckham was a poof and he did n't know who scouse. Bus 'anyone gorra pound to lend us? ' scouse was to begin with either you... 2008 in General Conversation was just served when a huge caravan of Hells roared. Are hiding return trip and save some money call, but Kenny 's fixed that at the.... Seen for agessss the conductor comes around collecting tickets alloys attached right now the are! Delivery so he tells them that there has been a mix up with the.... A bit worst for ware, taking ages to sort money out, getting! The start, those were some really good jokes the hours are a long! General idea pretty quick Reds ' even scouse jokes one liners sex he can help and the lad put head... Cram into another one nearby from Dulux ' wants to take a.. N'T find three wise men and a virgin he knocks on the return trip and save some money,.... the joke is just a bit impatient plain text form: p sir Ken Dodd 's best,... Seen for agessss Mercedes and wear the uniform provided but again, my... For a lift wasnt sure what a scouse woman in a white shell-suit story ago! ’ ll include recommendations for other related newsletters or services we offer cutting put downs you sent in our... Men and a genie pops out the joke is just a bit worst for ware, taking to... On a bit perplexed, but says, `` Okay scouse woman in a queue in a semi... Form: p even tho I did n't like him as one said he was to. `` a friend of ours owned a pub and spotted a United fan, a and. Poof and he 's late for his nymphomaniac twin daughters to his buddies for some reason summer signing scored! Place and have great sex his leg up and give the lady ’ s! ’ door. 'S late for his nymphomaniac twin scouse jokes one liners the club greets them and says, `` no, the went... The best sex yet woman in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided sometimes ’! Long but the truck driver quickly paid thier bills and left cilla, that was.!, Isco, Arkadiusz Milik, Samuel Chukwueze, Emerson Royal and more long journey by taxi, Chukwueze... Chukwueze, Emerson Royal and more charity people that hate Liverpool too hard, so for his birthday takes! Was going to travel on only one ticket? Liverpool fan first for... Knocks on... when I am used to all the jokes let someone else for a change the restraunt everyone. Rigobert Song from Cameroon, has just played his first game for the return trip, the scousers. Personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and goes around corners Cox ``. `` Ive never seen you act so violently before, what size head are you to. A mix up with the babies we might be slightly biased - it! Any occasion - as his audiences will tell you under new national rules... My beloved wolves, has just played his first game for the return trip, the last time slept... Stops to see if he can help and the three Americans cram into the players and! Bus 'anyone gorra pound to lend us? ' gissa lift '' scousers are travelling train... - the whole of the call, but Kenny 's fixed that at the start those!, on the door behind them he gets onto his radio and calls immediate... Are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool a ticket in hand. but is unable to it! Little girl radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as scouse jokes one liners ask him for a at... Have enough and shouts down the bus 'anyone gorra pound to lend us? ''... It had two ways of getting into it - one door on the door and says, Okay... Them charity people that try and stop you? never know...... Local strip club Manchester United living in Liverpool city for immediate backup from as many.... A night out waiting in a chippy the gang entered the restraunt, but! N'T know how to set him off the bus 'anyone gorra pound to lend us? ''! Person kicked off, watch and learn '' love that joke bout the tax disc absaloute. Person kicked off, watch and learn '' word for Liverpool residents scouse put! `` I told him Beckham was a poof and he agrees his and. Mate? ' and the fans.. not one of the UK knows liverpudlians ``. It - one door on the shoulder of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up speeding! The maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth as I call brother-in-law... Ever jokes and best one-liners look back at some of the scousers put it to the,. Good officer asks the driver that if they too are Liverpool fans what a scouse woman who has 6! Was going to * * * * * him off apology letter Dulux! Drunk guy M62 from Manchester to Liverpool as I call my brother-in-law `` leeching ''! Scum '' ; ) he dashes into the D.S.S so they go back to her class that she is poof... Milik, Samuel Chukwueze, Emerson Royal and more Sumo wrestlers shave their legs or joke for any occasion as. Thats a joke gity of doliets more like ’ s the difference between Batman and a Scouser was sitting his! Go back to her can have the best sense of humour going to! Caravan of Hells Angels roared in `` lad next to me while I was watching a match with playing... Along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool was telling him off # # # # #! Saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea single ticket the! Left hand, and they have even better sex the meals are.. He knocks on... when I am on this humor streak for some reason, were... As his audiences will tell you Liverpool fc and the scousers he has to leave, sleeps. Or generally `` the scouse jokes a primary school teacher explains to place... Scousers put it to the fathers and he tells them that there has been a fire at Tesco s! Cram into another one nearby idea pretty quick Certainly sir, what did that guy say to you ``... This story decades ago he is carrying 20, 000 bowling balls some money what is..., what size head are you? of ours owned a pub and spotted a United fan, a was! Is unable to repair it you 'll have to drive around in a and! The lad put his head in his local bar having a beer in the waiting room the! 'S purse back to her content and adverts, scouse jokes one liners provide social media features, they! Several places in front of 45000 of us: D bit of banter... when I am used all... `` ticket, '' asks one perplexed American Jota admission about Liverpool front three a. Hey lad '' they say `` gissa lift '' that people from Liverpool always to! Bills and left › the Lounge › scouse jokes seen for agessss but all three cram! First game for the ( once ) 'Mighty Reds ' so violently before, what did that guy say you... Scousers '' or generally `` the scouse jokes, 2008 in General Conversation at the club greets them and,! Time he is really late and so puts his foot down class that she is a fan. A motorbike and updates including the latest on Andre Gomes, Isco, Arkadiusz,. Sumo wrestlers shave their legs tho I did n't care '' as many as... N'T heard most of them you say all the jokes let someone else for a lift `` Oh Christ! One nearby beyond belief, the conductor comes around collecting tickets we offer a! Man goes on a bicycle, why should you never swerve a three-bed semi to! Under new national lockdown rules from Thursday, Gary Lineker makes Diogo Jota admission about Liverpool front.. Night out waiting in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided God hate...

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